Sometimes I honestly wonder why I even try anymore.
Seems like this happens all the time, so I’m used to it. But oh well, what can you do?
I’m not quite sure why I feel this way about this specific person.. We went on a few dates back in December and things were going good.. blah blah then it was holiday season and I started getting stressed out with work, and getting everything finished and we drifted apart but in my mind we didn’t. Then eventually they got in a relationship, and I was just shocked .. and hurt at the same time.. however their relationship didn’t last but two weeks.
This was all back in early January.. We’ve talked periodically since then and stuff.. however we’re kind of talking again and for some odd reason you’d think that I wouldn’t want to speak to him after everything that happened. I’m getting a weird rush of emotions back towards him.. and I’m really starting to like him again. The relationship isn’t probable though because last night I found out he has to move. It kinda sucks but i’m used to things not working out for me in the realm of relationships. Welp anyways, thought he might have helped me get my shit in line.
I guess I should just slowly stop talking to him, so I don’t get overly hurt lol.
oh well what can you do
So I haven’t done this in a while, and I apologize in advance for and spam that I may cause on your dash. However I just really need to type out what i’m feeling, vent, rant and then hopefully I’ll feel just a bit better.
Right now I’m literally fuming. I’m pissed off, I’m agitated, I’m sad, I’m disappointed, I’m let down. I’m just a big cluster fuck of emotion, and I’ve been this way for almost a year now. I hate that I let my guard down to you, I hate that I believed every word that came out of your mouth. I feel so stupid, and 10 bucks people view me as a dumbass for holding on for so long to something that won’t ever happen. More importantly I’m upset with myself that I fell for another stupid ass fucking game that I can’t win. I feel terrible right now because I literally have nothing left emotionally to give, and I feel like the biggest jerk in the world right now for pretending for a second that I could actually give something to someone, so now I’ll be viewed as the asshole, and those weren’t my intentions. Sometimes I just want a rewind button, but I know I need to keep pushing on with my life and figure out whats going to come next.
It just sucks when you think you found someone special then something all of a sudden happens and it’s like they never want to hear from you again, but then time passes and we talk.. more time passes and we see each other again, stuff goes down and it makes me hurt even more. Behind all this fakeness you see on the outside if you really take time to know me you’ll understand that I’m one of the most broken people that you will ever meet. I’m trying not to be broken, I’ve tried literally everything. I’ve gone on dates, I’ve tried having something with another person, I’ve tried being your friend, I’ve tried to remove you from my life. However nothing has ever worked, each time I try something it ends up somehow hurting me more and more.
Haha, who am I kidding, It’s a terrible day I want it to be over.
5 months and I’m still worried about all of this bullshit. I wish I could be over and done, but I know it won’t ever happen soon. I wanna blog the fuck out of this but I’m a little too hurt right now.
Now I’m sitting over here crying.